'Dirty Secrets'
So Time Out has decided to do a cover story this week on Secrets about the NY theater. Part of the byline says "What we found will shock you". I don't know about you, but nothing on the list was a surprise, or really even close to a secret. It's like that Alanis Morrisette song, "Ironic". Nothing in the song is actually ironic, but it's catchy none the less.
1. Actors are obsessed with gossip. That's as obvious as saying actors are obsessed with themselves.
2. Star vehicles crash. Duh!
3. Beware the blogotainmercial. Sounds like the professional critics are getting a bit nervous. God forbid someone have an opinion other than their own.
4. They (don't) write the songs alone. This is news? Maybe my grandmother doesn't know that, but I think most people are aware.
5. Commercial Off Broadway is dead. Was it ever alive?
6. Off-Off Broadway is also dead (Geographically speaking). Essentially, if we are to believe the title, the reason it is dead is because it's moved to Brooklyn. I happen to be a resident of Brooklyn and proud to be. It may even shock some to believe I actually prefer living here to Manhattan. Be that as it may, I think it displays a certain bias.
7. Broadway is - surprise - not dead. Surprise - critics suck up to the man. Broadway may not be dead, but it's sure been a zombie for awhile.
8. Troupes are happily homeless. OK, I'll give them this one. This was a bit of good news.
9. Orchestras sometimes fake it. Wasn't this a big to-do back in 2003?
10. Chorus girls are gorgeous - from afar. I'd just like to point out that this list was 'reported' by four men. Sounds like some home-boys got shot down.
11. It takes a village (to produce). No, it's takes old, rich, white people (or Oprah).
12. See the stars before reviews. But then how will people know it's any good if you don't tell them?
13. Premium seats are for suckers. No, like I said, they're for old, rich, white people (Oprah gets in for free).
14. Subscribers monopolize seats. What? Now we're bashing subscribers? This coming from a group of guys who get in for free.
15. The Brits are really better. There's nothing critics do better than sucking up to the British. "Can we all have a circle jerk after our all day marathon of The Coasts of Utopia?"
16. Tony means nothing. Says the people who will never win one. I consider both Boyd Gaines and Hinton Battles accomplished, hard-working craftsmen. They have been fortunate enough to have consistent work. That's all any actor ever dreams of.
17. Actors can't make a living wage Off Broadway. No shit, Sherlock. This is just dawning on you?
18. Playbill restaurant recs are fixed. Stop the press!!! How could this be true? And what's that you say about Santa and the Easter Bunny?
19. The Shuberts nickel-and-dime you. Enter The Villain. Everyone needs a good one and the Shuberts do a pretty good job. But anyone who has ever used Ticketmaster knows they get screwed.
20. Never see a show after its first year. If only... This is sound advice, but again, a secret?
1. Actors are obsessed with gossip. That's as obvious as saying actors are obsessed with themselves.
2. Star vehicles crash. Duh!
3. Beware the blogotainmercial. Sounds like the professional critics are getting a bit nervous. God forbid someone have an opinion other than their own.
4. They (don't) write the songs alone. This is news? Maybe my grandmother doesn't know that, but I think most people are aware.
5. Commercial Off Broadway is dead. Was it ever alive?
6. Off-Off Broadway is also dead (Geographically speaking). Essentially, if we are to believe the title, the reason it is dead is because it's moved to Brooklyn. I happen to be a resident of Brooklyn and proud to be. It may even shock some to believe I actually prefer living here to Manhattan. Be that as it may, I think it displays a certain bias.
7. Broadway is - surprise - not dead. Surprise - critics suck up to the man. Broadway may not be dead, but it's sure been a zombie for awhile.
8. Troupes are happily homeless. OK, I'll give them this one. This was a bit of good news.
9. Orchestras sometimes fake it. Wasn't this a big to-do back in 2003?
10. Chorus girls are gorgeous - from afar. I'd just like to point out that this list was 'reported' by four men. Sounds like some home-boys got shot down.
11. It takes a village (to produce). No, it's takes old, rich, white people (or Oprah).
12. See the stars before reviews. But then how will people know it's any good if you don't tell them?
13. Premium seats are for suckers. No, like I said, they're for old, rich, white people (Oprah gets in for free).
14. Subscribers monopolize seats. What? Now we're bashing subscribers? This coming from a group of guys who get in for free.
15. The Brits are really better. There's nothing critics do better than sucking up to the British. "Can we all have a circle jerk after our all day marathon of The Coasts of Utopia?"
16. Tony means nothing. Says the people who will never win one. I consider both Boyd Gaines and Hinton Battles accomplished, hard-working craftsmen. They have been fortunate enough to have consistent work. That's all any actor ever dreams of.
17. Actors can't make a living wage Off Broadway. No shit, Sherlock. This is just dawning on you?
18. Playbill restaurant recs are fixed. Stop the press!!! How could this be true? And what's that you say about Santa and the Easter Bunny?
19. The Shuberts nickel-and-dime you. Enter The Villain. Everyone needs a good one and the Shuberts do a pretty good job. But anyone who has ever used Ticketmaster knows they get screwed.
20. Never see a show after its first year. If only... This is sound advice, but again, a secret?
posted by THALATTA! Theatre International at 10:25 PM
1 Comments:
Hilarious, and spot-on. Instead of being edgy or sexy, like the covers make it seem, this list is full of 5-year-old news and insulting filler.
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